Nicole vs. Life
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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