meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We're too hungover to prance.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
