I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
