I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Im part way to drunk.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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