mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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