She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The air was thick with penises
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
