You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
