I just made out with a guy for $7.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize