Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
