He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
