That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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