I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
