I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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