somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
