Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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