OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
