how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize