sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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