batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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