bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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