i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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