Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
