Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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