Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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