remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
