remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize