oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
