I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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