My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
