i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
