3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
