apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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