I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
