did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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