Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
