I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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