did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize