Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
