i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
