I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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