Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
