If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
