Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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