What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
