I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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