now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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