I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
