Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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