he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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