Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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