I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
