he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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