I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
