I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
