K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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