I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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