I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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