you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
