so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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