im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
worst night to have a conscience
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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