Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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