life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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