I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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